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Sweet Spirits 0-1

   Against my better judgement I have opened findmeaman.org account. Where you get winked at by goober and maybe a random email from someone who makes ya go hmmm.. He looks pretty decent. Well, my 1st real interaction with actually answering back an email. The 1st 1st one was a 48 year old man and I asked what his M.O. was and he replied did you mean my modus operandi?  My daily function or this dating site one. I said whatever, please tell me you don't live with your mom and smoke crack? Wait do, cause I like the phrase your mom. Well it worked, ran that guy off faster then the chicken crossing the street. One down! This 2nd 1st fella messaged me and said Hello you have great eyes. I said thank you and thanks for the wink. I figured that would be the end of it. I usually get on there, look at faces and give up. If you know me you know that I wall up the second a man comes into my bubble that I feel might be a threat and want to invade my space and call me mommy.

   Well me and this fella start chatting, he seems alright. Likes the same music, movies and seems to have a sense of humor. After a day he sent me his number and said let's text. I though, ok.. AFTER I see your Facebook page. Gotta know they are legit. My luck I would end up falling for a tall, dark and handsome redneck and find out he is nothing but a hairy female named Bertha that likes cats and mustard.. and Nascar, long walks down the grocery isle and virginia slim ultra light menthol 100's.

   I accept his friend request and take a look through his pics, of course showing my guardian, Ernl, and she says, he looks alright, in her meh tone,  you should meet him. I said, hhmmmm, ya think? Followed by a very unsure and uncomfortable giggle. I do not like putting myself out there. I am not a fan of rejection, which is why on any given weekend you can find me safe and secure in the circle of my chickas and their hubbies. I am safe there and no rejection. A lot of KATIE DID YOU REALLY SAY THAT, but mad love for my peeps.

   So as I scan through the pics, I see he is a Aggies fan, meh, from Logan and not really "out there" like I am . He obviously was scanning my crap at the same time cause I got a message that said, Wow, you are more my brothers type. I said, ya think. He replies with a - You know those SWEET SPIRITS you tend to get set up with - I think I am one of those sweet spirits. OMG! If that wasn't the strangest blow off ever. I said well that's cool, I am not into the sweet spirits.. Then start thinking- I'm kinda looking for someone with more rebellious with a hint of stability and a scruffy face. Good luck yo then deleted him instantly.

   So, we will see how long I continue this Match.com crap. I am a huge skeptic when it comes to things.. Oils, wraps, men. I tend to put my best can't mess with me face on, but eventually, I will just give up and decide that I am a better entertainer of the masses vs a 8.5 cow wife. No worries, def wasn't butt hurt over this encounter. Sure it won't be the last fella a run/scare off.  Not sure if it's the doll heads or use of the words, YO, GHETTO, WORD and PEEPS ;)

Dating.. THE HORROR, THE HORROR


So in an effort to better understand the “dating” scene I have decided to jot down a few of my disastrous dating details in hopes to understand why I seem to be the girl that gets set up with the “really awesome guy”, the “we can’t understand why he’s not married buddy”, the “sweet spirit” and the list goes on and on.

                                                                                UNO
I would suppose the only way to start off the story is to begin with my first blind date. We will call him Uno... being that he was the 1st.  This fella was suggested to me through a friend of a friend. From what I heard he was a great guy, never married and super funny, said with thumbs and an uneasy smirk.

At the time in my life I was living at my Dads, just recently divorced and working towards getting out on my own and figuring life out. Uno called and asked me out and said that he would pick me up at 5 and we would meet up with some friends of his for a BBQ and to watch the fight. I thought great, I love a good social event and a little blood. The night came about and I was ready for the first outing. He pulls into the driveway and as I am peeking through the blinds watching him walk closer I notice... He is quite the large man. Not as in tall, after all I love a tall man, but as in large Marge. But he had a nice smile and his cologne was nice so I decided why the heck not. We got in to his vehicle and after a stop at the Sev for a 40 oz’er for the BBQ we made our way south to the gathering.

Now as you may or may not know I am quite a social butterfly. I can usually chew the fat with the peeps, chill with the com padres and throw a wicked ping pong ball nowhere near the cup with a smile on my face the whole time. But this gathering was nothing... NOTHING like I have ever experienced in my life and honestly, hope I never have to again.

We pull into this neighborhood that I would consider the Ghetto. Full blown, cars in the front yard, a TV in the garage that has cable wires running from the living room, wife beaters on every man and tube tops and claws on most the gals there. As I stand there in my jeans, cute t-shirt with a cardigan and my converse kicks I instantly started singing the Sesame Street song, “One of these things is not like the other.” Well I smiles, shook hands and tried to make the best of it. We ventured into what I would call hell and I am sure they called it the backyard and there was a feast of all feast. I have never seen so much food in my entire life. Meats of every kind, weird vegetables, strange side dishes and all served in those tin trays. I picked me out a few of the things that I knew were actual food and sat down on the splinter ridden bench and ate very fast, the whole time looking around, trying to maintain a smile and holding back the tears.

After I was done eating my four bites, I excused myself to the restroom and called my friend to come and rescue me. I was in tears, trying to wipe my eyes and cover up the fact that I was so uncomfortable, had no idea where I was and explaining to her that she is to NEVER set me up with a friend’s friend again. She called her friend and said I need to know where she is. I am having a bad day and I need her to come help me with my kids. Luckily, we were only ten minutes from her and she showed up faster than Batman at a spandex convention. I thanked Uno for the evening and told all his friends goodbye and thanks for the hospitality, I got into her car and broke down and cried. Tried to explain what was wrong and why I hate dating. We agreed... No more blind dates... Ever.
                                                                            
   Two
This Date was probably one of the most mind blowing dates of my life. This fella was friends with friends and after messaging one of his friends and asking what his deal-ee-O was I thought, “Well hell, why not. It’s free dinner.” So I thought.

I and Two had been chatting for a bit and he seemed really nice, just a year or two older and seemed to have a good job. We decided to meet up on a Friday afternoon and go get dinner and possible a movie. Depending on how dinner went. Well I get the call about an hour before we are to meet and he says his car is in the shop, would I mind coming and picking him up. I said sure no problem. It didn't seem to bother me at the time. After all, he seemed pretty decent.

This is where the fun begins. I want to warn you, this entire story is true, not one bit exaggerated or made up. He really was this strange.

I pulled in to his drive way and got out of my car and the first words he said was, you’re chubbier than I thought. I replied with so are you. Then we made our way into his house to meet… his MOMMY. Yes he calls his mom MOMMY. At 35+ that seems strange to me. I said hello, shook her hand and gave her my cheesy smile. We then took a tour of his house, which later I found out was his mommies house and then made off on our way. Why did I continue on the date after he insulted my weight? I have no idea. But it gets better. So much better.

We make our way through BC and he is chatting like a little school girl. What about you ask... Our wedding. He said that he was putting a reminder in his phone that one year from that date we were going to get married. That he knew that I was the one, we had a connection, a bond of sorts that he knew would last forever. I was thinking that I had picked up crazy on the corner of notachance and getbent, but I played along just to see how far I could go with it. Why you ask.. Why not.. If I am in for a show might as well enjoy the popcorn. There is a method to my madness, or so I tell myself.

He continues on to the planning of said event, telling me that I can borrow his mother’s dresses for church, that we have to get married in the Temple, but we don’t have to tell the bishop everything. That he likes the color blue and would prefer that I wear my hair down not up with a veil. I said sure no problem.

The discussions continue as we head to Ogden and sit down for dinner at that Chinese place on Washington across from Big Lots. Well as we eat and I watch the clock and I am amazed at what a wedding planner he was, it came time to pay the check and he says, “Oh, You got this right.” I said sure. I walked up to the register and handed them the money and left. Dropped him off at his mommies and told him that I couldn’t believe that he was as crazy as he was and to have a great night. He was kind of upset that I didn’t want to go to church with him the next day and that I didn't want to come in and watch a movie with his mom. Hmmm.. NO. The following month I received call after call, message after message, text, flowers, and what have you. All trying to convince me that we are destine to be together. He finally got the hint after I threatened a restraining order.

I have so many more stories it’s not even funny. But I have been lead to believe this.

1.       The guy that is the “funny” guy with a great personality or as I like to call him, the sweet spirit, is not for me.
2.        Being independent isn't all it’s cracked up to be. In order to land a decent man, I must act frail and wrought with tragedy, in an effort to give him the “rescuing a damsel” feeling.
3.       If you suggest marriage within the first 5 minutes, you might as well lose my digits.
4.       There is such a thing as small man syndrome.
5.       My chest is not a place for you to stare at or talk to. Sure, it would be awkward if I talked to your forearms. (I like forearms).
6.        Just because I can hang with the guys, doesn't mean I am not a lady. Just means I have a wall and that wall is up so high, it’s rare that I let anyone, especially a guy, see past that. If you have, you’re a rare breed.

7.       I love lamp.



I have been told to sign up for those dating sites, put myself out there, and stop wasting time and all that fun stuff. But honestly, I don’t think I can do it. If was to join a dating site, I would have to do it with a purpose. Maybe to write a book or a “HOW NOT TO ONLINE DATE” guide. Without a purpose, I wouldn't feel like me posting my life story followed up with a picture for every man to judge and a wishful encounter with Lloyd Dobler would be nothing but heartache, high hopes and lots of dopes. So who knows. Maybe since I am turning 36 soon, maybe I’ll get the guts up to do that. But as of right now... Probably not.