Friggin City - Chpt. 6

It was just another ordinary Friday in Figgin City. Diddy's kids were off playing farmer with their dad and she had nothing to do. As a single mom Diddy has a few jobs. What kind of jobs you ask. Well she sells things. What kind of things? Why are you asking so many questions? Diddy likes to sell anything and everything. Except that one thing. Thought about it once. But the corner of 25th and Wall scares her.

It's Friday night, with nothing to do.. again and so she was off to go clean her fasha's office. Which is also one of her jobs. Shortly after she was cleaning she got a text from her friend. She said she had been studying all day and needed a break and asked where Diddy was. She replied that she was in Friggin City and would stop by after she was done. 

A few hours past and Diddy was finally done. She got changed out of her grubbbies and headed down the road. Diddy's tummy was a rumblin so she decided that Taco Hell sounded delightful this fine summer evening. She called over to the Ladybug's house and asked the Mrs. if she wanted some dinner. She said no, but the Dr. and his nurse were over and the Dr. wanted a steak grilled taco with NO SOUR CREAM.. Remember that last part .. NO.. SOUR... CREAM...

Diddy said, Coo.. See ya in a flash. She pull up to the drive through at Taco Hell / Krap Fried Critters. Now Friggin City only has a few choice places to eat. you have Taco Hell ( tonight's choice), The Golden Arches of Fun ( Diddy worked there back in the day and it was really fun, seriously), Betyo's (bet you can't guess the meat), Pee Schitty ( one of Diddy's faves)  and those are the ones with the wonderfully convenient drive thru. She pull up and they gives her schpeel and she says no, I don't want the macho nacho and crispy critter box, but thanks. She continues to order a steak kay-sah-dill-ah, steak grilled taco with NO SOUR CREAM, a nacho supreme and two burrito, cause she new that Mrs. Ladybug would eat if she got it.

She got though the drive thru, 10 minutes later and  after sitting patiently, he hands her a sack and says have a nice day. Diddy thanked the 16 year old twerp and pull away. Diddy thought, ***Hmmm, this sack feels mighty light. BTW, Do you see those stars, those are the bubbles up to the thought cloud.. she gets those allot. Gets what? Wicked good thoughts, Sheesh, catch up Jr.

SO, she looked inside and what could possibly be the problem? Taco Hell forgot half the order. Diddy pulled in the parking stall and went inside to see where her other sack was. As she walked in she was horrified with what she saw. The place was crawling with snot nosed, 16 year old, pimple popping know it alls, that needed to be taken out back and severely beaten. But that is besides the point. That too will come in time.

She carefully ventured in, notified them that she needed the rest of her order and of course, they had no idea what she was talking about. She said, "For the love of Pete and Mary, I just pulled out of your drive thru, 20 seconds ago. I need my steak taco and the burritos." The long haired pimple fart went and told the BEAST that the order was missing and to make it again.

The Beast? Yes, the Beast.. Let me explain. Sit back and imagine a hormonal, 98 pound, bleached blonde, always right never wrong, wanna be punk but is stuck in shithead mode, spoiled, little 16 year old girl. Oh wait, what's that you say? What was Diddy like at 16. Diddy was, uh.. super dope yo! She was a social butterfly and loved to make people laugh. sometimes pushed the envelope with people just enough to stand out, but not enough to get caught more than ONCE. She wasn't mean, unless it was called for and I can tell you this.. She never screwed up your order on purpose when she worked at The Golden Arches of Fun. and THAT place is a story all on it's own, but that will come in time as well.

So, the pimple fart went to tell the beast that she needed to remake the tacos. The Beast proceeded to recreate the wonder we call a taco and as she placed them up under the.. WHA?! Double take! No warmer..Nope.. you would think they would have one cause it takes so freaking long to get your food, something needs to keep it slightly warm, but as she places the tacos on the lunch room tray, she smashes them. Not once, but twice. Two good slaps. Diddy decided that she would check the tacos cause the Dr. said NO SOUR CREAM and Diddy is all about getting it done right, the 1st time. Well, guess what. It had sour cream and ground mystery meat, not the steak she had requested. Really?! REALLY!? Is it THAT hard. I think not. So, she pointed out there mistake and asked so very politely, can you remake this it has sour cream on it and it was suppose to be steak. The pimple fart went back and said, hey, that was NOT suppose to have sour cream, I told you that a few times and you still put it on there. The Beast threw a little tizzy fit and as she went to make a new one she threw the food on the tort-till-ah. Not kidding She literally threw the ingredients, like you would throw a water balloon onto the floor. Diddy watched as she tossed the lettuce,  hucked the tomatoes and alli-ooped meat shaped pieces onto the tor-till-ah. then she rolled it and slightly grilled it. Diddy was obviously very irritated at this point.

Diddy then asked to talk to the manager and informed the kid of the sich-y-ay-shun. Kid? Yeah, couldn't have been more than 18. Diddy told him that she just paid $20 for that crap that had been left out, made wrong and smashed and now thrown. If she comes back in and that little twerp is working, she will make sure that the Beast knows what's what.

Diddy FINALLY got to the Ladybug's house and walked in and gave them the schpeel. Now here is where it get fun. The Nachos had cheese on 3 chips, a piece of meat that looked like cat poop that you find in a sandbox and a glob of sour cream right in the middle. So basically 80% of the chips had nothing on them. Strike 1. She handed out the tacos to their designated owners and the Dr. took a bit and YEP! Sour cream on all the tacos.. BTW, found one of the missing tacos in the bottom of the bag. so there were 3 wrong tacos. one that should have been steak no sour cream. It was horse meat WITH sour cream. Then once with steak and sour cream and Gwawk-a-mole-ee. Strike 2. Strike 3... just the fact that Diddy had to call. 5 times until the call would go through. The line was crazy busy because more people were in there with problems than a Saturday free sample day at Cast-CO.

She called and informed them that she wanted her money back and that he needs to really have a serious comin to Jesus meetin with the Beast. You do remember what that is right.. Where you and me have a serious chat and if all doesn't go my way, you MIGHT be seeing Jesus tonight. The manager, who was really nice, said maybe she needs to find a new job. Diddy smiled and said She agreed. Winning. WON! Done son!

So that is her story about Taco Hell. And for all she cares Taco Hell.. can go to.. H. E. DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS. Unfortunately, I'm sure, she will be eating there again. She loves her some Kay-sah-dill-ahs.

Friggin City - Chpt.5

Diddy like to believe that she was a great driver. In 10th grade she took drivers ed and her teacher was Mr. Drunkstead. He was a little creepy. Almost pervert looking. I think he was drunk most of the time to be honest with you. She would have to drive one of the junky old cars, tune her radio to the proper channel and drive around and try to avoid the cones. It didn't matter if she hit them or not. Mr. Drunkstead always thought it was Diddy's fault. She would be cruisin along, mindin her bidness and all the sudden she would hear, "SPAZEN!" Thanks Diddy's last name. She is kind of a spaz. It fits.

Well she passed her written test with no problems, but it was the driving test she has issues with. I would like to point out that she is left handed and that is her excuse for most her problems. You throw like a two year old! comment back, "Oh yeah, well I'm left handed." You can't dance! replying, "Suck it! I am left handed."

As she was driving around Friggin City, she was suppose to turn here, park there, signal, lane change. You know the drill. Well, when Mr. Drunkstead was in the passenger seat Diddy would get a really attitude. Not sure if it was cause she got a contact drunk from him or if it was because he was a complete douche canoe. Anyhow, It was time for her road test. They pull up to the red light on the corner of Forest and Main and she is signaling to turn right. She stops looks both ways and waits for the green. He tells her you can turn right on a red light. So the next light on 1st south, it's red, she turns right, no stopping. After all that what he told her. FAIL #1.

Next test. She is driving down 3rd west, I believe it is the one with very few stop signs. Well she is all bad ass and cruisin in the gimp mobile and runs a stop sign. FAIL#2

#3 was the kicker, if she didn't pass this, she would be S.W.N.L. which means sixteen with no license and that my friend is how do you say it, SHIT - TAY!  So she turns correctly, signals properly, lane change like a pro. The challenge, if she chose to accept it was, DUH NUH NUH! Parallel park in front of Lert's Cafe. 

She was so sick and tired of the drunk man, she got angry, pulled up, popped that sucker into reverse and BAM!  Stop. What are you thinking right now? Are you thinking holy crap. Diddy nailed a car? You are, aren't you. NOPE! She nailed the parking spot, slipped right in like the knife that Dexter sticks right in your heart while you are wrapped up in saran wrap looking at all the people who have harmed. Well, you get the point.

She passed that test, finally on the 3rd try. She was legal. Her parent gave her the Ford Tarus wagon. It had a cool code on the door to unlock it. 7-6-9-6-9. Maroon and could fit a ton of people. Her friend, Raspusha drove a station wagon as well. It was one of those bitch'n long yellow ones with the wood panels. Wicked awesome. They parked up in the east parking lot. Everyone had their own spots up there. It was a great group of peeps and super duper fun.

Well there was these two boys in particular that Diddy had no liking for. They were always very shitty to her and one day after razzing her all day, she decided that was it. Those bitches are going down. So she throws that ford Taurus wagon into reverse and proceeds to back up to get a better run at these to guys. She didn't look behind her, which is where she get into a bit of a "incident." 

As Diddy was backing up she hear this THUD! So, she stopped. Got out and went.. you guessed it, OH SHIT! She hit a girl. Not a car, dog or a leprechaun. It was an actual person, walking. She knew she was in a whole heap of crap. The girl looked at her and Diddy looked back as the strange, disoriented girl wandered through the parking lot. Diddy stood there and assumed that she was fine. As I always say, "Assume make an ASS outta U and ME." Well she wasn't ok, she came back down to the car, holding her head where she got hit and said she has just one question. "Was that on purpose?" Diddy looked at her and with an unusually odd smirk and replied, "Oh honey, if it was on purpose I wouldn't have stopped. I don't even know who you are." The girl then said ok and walked back up.

Needless to say, Diddy never tried to intentionally hit someone with a car again. Although she did, later in life. But he was in the way.

Stay tuned for Chpt. 6

Friggin City - Chpt. 4

A journey is defined as: a mission that could take a long ass time. If your checking the Urban Dictionary that is. Today's 'journey" takes place .. OK, it's not a journey. I just really liked the definition.

Today's troubles started when Diddy was in 7th grade. She had become more aware of the way she looked. Making sure her hair is just so, make up and her new hobby, plucking those Caterpillar eyebrows. Diddy use to love to watch her sister get ready in the morning. Messica was one of the "cool kids" at school. She always had perfect hair, clothes that were stylin and the cutest boys around her.So Diddy started paying attention to how she was doing it and followed closely behind. She worshiped that girl. Think she still does. AWE, tender monent, wipe the tear, *sniff*sniff*..

Diddy was in the kitchen cleaning up and doing the dishes. Her mother, Dirty D, had made scones the night before so there was a pot of grease on the stove top. Diddy turned that on to melt it so she could pour it back into the original container and throw it away. It never occurred to Diddy to just scoop the solid grease out and throw that way.

She was more of , how do I out this, Mad Scientist that new nothing. I suppose. She and her brother's use to take all the spices out of the cupboard, the soy sauce, mustard, pickle juice and basically whatever they could get their hands on, mix it all together to see what disgusting concoction they could come up with. Now that Diddy is older, she realizes the cost that goes behind spices and such and once again, would like to send out a sincere apology to her mother for the amount of money she wasted.

Back to the story. Diddy turned the stove on and proceeded to melt the grease. She didn't think to look to see what temperature it was set at and later found out why you don't melt grease on high, but that was just the 1st mistake. She finished cleaning and went into her mom's bathroom, climbed up on the the counter and started plucking her eyebrows. That was her 2nd mistake. After about 5-10 minutes Diddy started to smell something strange. Then all of the sudden she hears this horrific PLOP! She looked away from the mirror and almost in slow motion like on The Christmas Story she though SSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIITTT! Not fudge, she didn't say fudge. but she does like walnut fudge that her Auntie makes. BTW

She jumped off the counter and ran to the kitchen. The grease was a blazing! She paniced and started screaming for her Mom. All the while thinking, Holy shit, my ass is grass.. I am DONE SON! Out like the red headed step child. Aborted at age 13. Her Mom came hauling butt up the stair and freaked. Now, if you knew Diddy's mother she is very sweet, very proper. But when Diddy's Mom got mad, HELL HATH NO FURY like Dirty D. But we totally deserved some of the wrath we got. I mean really, she burned down the NEWLY remodeled kitchen.

Dirty D grabbed a lid and put the fire out. Diddy stared in awe at the charred wood work above the stove, the melted light covers and knew that I was out of luck on this one. No superman could save Loise Lane from this pickle. Oddly enough Dirty D said only a few words to Diddy. And they are as follows:

                                             "YOU RUINED MY PAN!"

She though, are you serious?! I just lit your kitchen on fire and you are mad about the pan? Wow, Diddy was expecting to be sent out to live in the dog house or something worse. Having to pack my things and go live at the neighbor's house. *Shivers* Now that would have been a hell that no child would have ever wished on anyone else.

But, all ended better than Diddy had thought, I don't know how long she was grounded for, but I know it was a coon's age. Which according the the Urban Dictionary is roughly 8 1/2 years.

So that's the story of  Grease Lighting.

Stay Tuned for Chpt. 5

Friggin City - Chpt. 3

Today, We start off Diddy's adventures in 6th grade. Diddy had the weirdest teacher ever, not sure if it was because it was his 1st year teaching or if it was just because he was a complete doofus.  But, all around, he was odd. He use to stick his pencil in his ear, then to his nose and then to his mouth. HONEST! Ask Diddy's brother, Grodey.

She loved to chase the boys at school, throw wet toilet paper at the ceiling, serve school lunch, Chinese jump rope, play on the tire swing, slam a little tether ball, run down the boys laboratory. Now, that last one was a big no no.  Us Wincoln Wions were quite the boundary testers.

In 6th grade you change and become more aware of the boys around you. Diddy had the crushes on most the boys in school, but decided she would go steady with a kid we will call Len.

Len and Diddy would walk home from school every day. They would talk and throw rocks, just stupid kid stuff. They never held hand or anything, I mean really she was too young. She was raised in a box, as you will find out down the road.

Towards the end of the school year, they held the maturation program. Diddy was very nervous. Neither her Mom or Dad could attend, so she went by herself. And let me tell you, just like the time she watched The FLY at her Aunties and found out where babies really come out of, her eyes went extra-ordinarily big and she was in complete shock. Panic seemed to set in as she slouched down in her chair. She looked around the room and made sure no one was watching her, she hated getting embarrassed. Diddy wasn't ready for this odd change. Bigger boobies, pimples, body odor, body hair and shaving... and the worst of all.. Mother Nature, REDRUM, riding the cotton pony, TOM (time of month) or AUNT FLO.

Why in the world, for the love of Pete and Mary, would anyone think that having a period was a good thing.  She is a woman now, she can have babies, all the while Diddy was thinking..WHO CARES, I am only 11.

Shortly, after that horrific and uncomfortable ordeal, Diddy was walking home with Len. They had only made it to the corner and the 1st words out of his mouth were as follow, "I have a penis and you have a vagina!" Diddy was so embarrassed. How could he possibly know that is what it was called or that she had one. She had no idea until today that their parts weren't called private parts or their potty. She ran home crying from humiliation. She never talked to Len again. Honestly, never. Until about two weeks ago when she saw him in Wally World. She, however, did tell someone the story of this dreadful day and they told Len a few months ago and I think he understand that Diddy, didn't hate him. She just meant what she said, She was never going to speak to him again. But, time goes on, and friends in grade school don't end being your friends in Jr. High and High School. That is probably more the reason.

A few months later she started her monthly visits from Aunt Flo. They were worse than she could have ever imagined. Cramping, achy, chills, throwing up, headache, bitchiness, maxi pads, leakage.. you name it, Diddy had experienced it. If you were to ask Diddy today, she would say that she was cursed by The Devil in a Red Dress.

Friggin City - Chpt. 2

Today we start our journey with Diddy and one of her little friends, Jalinda. Now Diddy use to love to go over to Jalinda's house. They had the coolest house, and it seemed like there were 15 kids in the family, but after counting, there were only 5. Seems odd,  anywhoseroonies...


Diddy and Jalinda use to get in all sorts of trouble. From teasing her little sister, Faylene, having sleep overs all the time, but Diddy didn't do well at sleepovers, seemed to like her own bed too much. She would make up all sorts of excuses and make her Dad come get her. They also enjoyed starting fires.. WHAT?! Yes, fires. They use to go up to girls camp, ever year, once we hit merry old age of 12. We got to camp, hunt for snipes, sing corny songs like..

MUSICAL SEQUENCE!

Down by the banks of the hanky panky,
Where the bullfrogs jump from bank to banky,
With an ee, eye, ooh, ah,
Eases off the lily with a ker-plop

OK, that was.. uh.. weird.. Back to the story. Where was I, Girls camp.  Well Jalinda and Diddy use to like to dig holes up at camp and seemed to find all the toilet paper in camp and we found matches, in camp and 1+1+matches= FIRE!

But, this adventure takes place a few year back when Jalinda's Indian sister, Pita, lived there. Diddy use to have really long blonde hair, WHA! Blonde?! With a double take... yes, blonde, I hate my blonde hair now.. and honestly if I was to not dye it dark, I couldn't even tell you what my natural color is or was or should be.. oh, wait, I am not talking about me, I am talking about Diddy.. oops.

So, Pita has stuck a pony tail in Diddy's hair and she used on of those that had the balls on the end of them, yellow i believe. So when Diddy went to take it out, it was wrapped so tight and the balls weren't in the right place, so they kept getting in the way.. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! Well, instead of asking for help, because Diddy, for some odd reason, always thought that if she asked for help, she must have done something wrong and so by not asking for help, they won't know.

She grabs a pair of scissors and start cutting the ponytail out. Well after a snip here and snip there, it was out. She was no longer Chinese, eye were big and round again. But as she looked into the sink she went pale as a ghost. There was a huge chunk of hair attached to the ponytail holder. Now, if she could have, she would have said, "oh shit." But because she was only about 8 or 9 she had to hide the hair.

She grabbed the chunk of hair from the sink and decided to look around the house for a great hiding spot. Don't ask me why it didn't register to her that she should just throw it away. Seems simple enough, but Diddy was a complicated little girl.  So, after looking for what seemed like 3 minutes, she found the perfect spot. On top of the weird tape recorder that her Dad had. It was brown, had two tape reels and it was on a stand that had wheels. So she sets it down on top of that and pushes the cart under the counter. All the while thinking, I am sure no one is going to use this.. If I place this here, no one will EVER find out.

To Diddy's surprise,her mother, Dirty D, found it. Confronted Diddy and of course, Diddy lied. You will find out Diddy can lie with best of them. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID... Oh hell, that was totally inappropriate. Sorry.

So, once Dirty D convinced Diddy that she was the only one in the house with long blonde hair, Diddy admitted to what she had done. Now, if Diddy would have just asked for help or told her mom she cut her hair on accident she wouldn't have gotten in trouble for lying. Of course she was grounded.. as you will also find out.. Diddy spends 90% of her childhood grounded.

Stay tuned for Chpt. 3

Friggin City - Chpt. 1

Once upon a time, in the wondrous land of Friggin City, lived a little girl named Diddy. I would like to start off by saying, she was the most well behaved little girl you would have ever seen, BUT that would be a lie. She was a complete turd. And with her occasional accomplices you will see that she wasn't only a turd, but sometimes much, much worse. What could be worse you ask. A shit, she was a little shit.

On these adventures they will take place in different parts of Friggin City, neighbor's houses, families, friends and you will also notice, not all are bad, some are good, fun, odd and some troublesome. But that is for you to decided.

Our 1st adventure Diddy was in 2nd grade. She had the most amazing teacher, Mrs. Huggsalot. She was great, her husband would dress up as Frankenstein on Halloween, we, I mean they learned how to make butter and all sorts of fun stuff. One day Diddy was chosen to be the "student of the day."

She was so excited, had never received such honors before. What wonderful things would she get for being the "student of the day?" Well, she got a little badge and a piece of candy. Mrs. Huggsalot kept her candy on the very tip top shelf in her classroom so that kids would attempt to get into it. But Diddy saw that as a challenge, she hated to wait, she was a very impatient little girl. By the end of the day Diddy had been trying so very hard to wait for that one piece of candy. She waited, and waited, but she could wait no longer..

Now, before I tell you the rest, this candy was the best ever! It was this white nougat square, that had chopped up jelly beans in it,  not much flavor, really chewy, but delightful. I am sure if Diddy tried it today, she would realize it takes like crap. But, hey, she was 8.

Now, She could wait no longer, as Mrs. Huggsalot was not looking, she stood and stared in awe at what seems like 50 ft tall bookshelf. She thought, I can do this, I can do this and next thing you know, SHE DID IT. All the way to the top and right as she reached her little innocent hand into the candy box.. CRASH! The whole thing, books, decorations, personal items, EV-ER-Y-THING! Came crashing down and under all the rubble was Diddy, with her piece of candy. she had really done it. Mrs. Huggsalot didn't get mad she just looked at Diddy, gave her a hug and sent her on her way.What a teacher.

So as you can see, Diddy's adventures. not all bad, not all good, will come in time. But what she is most excited to tell you about is her neighbor's. Oh, now they were some amazing creatures.

Stay tunes for Chpt. 2

Totally inappropriate.. sorry mom.

I woke up this morning singing the song, ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI. Well, I jumped into the shower and started thinking. And yes, you guessed it, one thing led to another and I came up with this totally inappropriate song. I am going to a send out a sincere apology to my Mother. It just popped in, I can't control the crap that come in, when I am in the mode, I gotta let it flow.


So, here goes yo!


Was walking down main street,
Just minding my biz.
When a smoking hot vah-toe,
Drove by in a whiz.

He rolled down his win-dow,
And asked me my name.
He had such a bitch'n car,
I got in and said, Jane.

The next thing that I know,
I 'm covered in..EWWW!
I lost my virginity,
To some stupid fool.

The event was plain awful,
He kissed like a goat.
I wanted to throw up,
As I reached for my coat.

I ran down the front steps,
And into the road.
I ran for my dear life,
Took off with no hope.


the moral of this story...
is just cause he hot,
doesn't mean hes got mad skill
just means you got GOT.


Took out a verse to save my mothers eyes...
So, YES, junk like this is what goes through
my head on any given day.

*NOTE: Not children tested, definitely not mother approved.