So as I continue my membership to Match.com, still against all better judgement. I have come to realize that I not only do I browse the selection and then click back to Facebook, but I get quiet the kick outta the names and opening lines. My name came to me while I was playing the worst game in the world.. CANDY CRUSH.. Who ever invented it needs to choke on said candy. I have noticed that most men use some sort of number in their name like lookin4u or bf84334 or trh81576 and the opening line has to be my favorite. What you would like a few examples.. ok. SUPER I was hoping you would ask..
• Looking for a partner in crime - Uh really? No thank you!
• Propaganda goes here - WTH is that suppose to mean.. rumor has it...
• My friends say I've become a legend - Legendary Douche Bag?
• City guy with a little cowboy - Do ya now... REALLY? Sounds like a problem..
• Is this normal??? - No.. If you have to ask.. it is so NOT normal.
• It's just me...so...turn and run. DONE!
• I'm not changing who I am .....ok?..
So what do ya think? Any winners there? I believe there should be a website called, Sweet spirit, Devils child or lost in translation or something like that. Something that would give you more of a.. One, Two this is me I am Satan or I'm a sweet spirit.. I hate dating, I hate online dating. I do however enjoy browsing and getting a good giggle once in a while. Do I think I will meet someone off of there.. No, No I really don't But I promised Ern one month, then Jamie said if you gave her one, give me three.. And that's that. I have my go to guys for when I need a partner for fishing or to a benefit dinner or something stupid like that. I have my girls who don't mind me tagging along with them and theirs and that's all great grand and wonderful. Do I miss the rest of the stuff.. Well sure.. who wouldn't but I really don't think my mister right..
Sweet Spirits 0-1
Against my better judgement I have opened findmeaman.org account. Where you get winked at by goober and maybe a random email from someone who makes ya go hmmm.. He looks pretty decent. Well, my 1st real interaction with actually answering back an email. The 1st 1st one was a 48 year old man and I asked what his M.O. was and he replied did you mean my modus operandi? My daily function or this dating site one. I said whatever, please tell me you don't live with your mom and smoke crack? Wait do, cause I like the phrase your mom. Well it worked, ran that guy off faster then the chicken crossing the street. One down! This 2nd 1st fella messaged me and said Hello you have great eyes. I said thank you and thanks for the wink. I figured that would be the end of it. I usually get on there, look at faces and give up. If you know me you know that I wall up the second a man comes into my bubble that I feel might be a threat and want to invade my space and call me mommy.
Well me and this fella start chatting, he seems alright. Likes the same music, movies and seems to have a sense of humor. After a day he sent me his number and said let's text. I though, ok.. AFTER I see your Facebook page. Gotta know they are legit. My luck I would end up falling for a tall, dark and handsome redneck and find out he is nothing but a hairy female named Bertha that likes cats and mustard.. and Nascar, long walks down the grocery isle and virginia slim ultra light menthol 100's.
I accept his friend request and take a look through his pics, of course showing my guardian, Ernl, and she says, he looks alright, in her meh tone, you should meet him. I said, hhmmmm, ya think? Followed by a very unsure and uncomfortable giggle. I do not like putting myself out there. I am not a fan of rejection, which is why on any given weekend you can find me safe and secure in the circle of my chickas and their hubbies. I am safe there and no rejection. A lot of KATIE DID YOU REALLY SAY THAT, but mad love for my peeps.
So as I scan through the pics, I see he is a Aggies fan, meh, from Logan and not really "out there" like I am . He obviously was scanning my crap at the same time cause I got a message that said, Wow, you are more my brothers type. I said, ya think. He replies with a - You know those SWEET SPIRITS you tend to get set up with - I think I am one of those sweet spirits. OMG! If that wasn't the strangest blow off ever. I said well that's cool, I am not into the sweet spirits.. Then start thinking- I'm kinda looking for someone with more rebellious with a hint of stability and a scruffy face. Good luck yo then deleted him instantly.
So, we will see how long I continue this Match.com crap. I am a huge skeptic when it comes to things.. Oils, wraps, men. I tend to put my best can't mess with me face on, but eventually, I will just give up and decide that I am a better entertainer of the masses vs a 8.5 cow wife. No worries, def wasn't butt hurt over this encounter. Sure it won't be the last fella a run/scare off. Not sure if it's the doll heads or use of the words, YO, GHETTO, WORD and PEEPS ;)
Well me and this fella start chatting, he seems alright. Likes the same music, movies and seems to have a sense of humor. After a day he sent me his number and said let's text. I though, ok.. AFTER I see your Facebook page. Gotta know they are legit. My luck I would end up falling for a tall, dark and handsome redneck and find out he is nothing but a hairy female named Bertha that likes cats and mustard.. and Nascar, long walks down the grocery isle and virginia slim ultra light menthol 100's.
I accept his friend request and take a look through his pics, of course showing my guardian, Ernl, and she says, he looks alright, in her meh tone, you should meet him. I said, hhmmmm, ya think? Followed by a very unsure and uncomfortable giggle. I do not like putting myself out there. I am not a fan of rejection, which is why on any given weekend you can find me safe and secure in the circle of my chickas and their hubbies. I am safe there and no rejection. A lot of KATIE DID YOU REALLY SAY THAT, but mad love for my peeps.
So as I scan through the pics, I see he is a Aggies fan, meh, from Logan and not really "out there" like I am . He obviously was scanning my crap at the same time cause I got a message that said, Wow, you are more my brothers type. I said, ya think. He replies with a - You know those SWEET SPIRITS you tend to get set up with - I think I am one of those sweet spirits. OMG! If that wasn't the strangest blow off ever. I said well that's cool, I am not into the sweet spirits.. Then start thinking- I'm kinda looking for someone with more rebellious with a hint of stability and a scruffy face. Good luck yo then deleted him instantly.
So, we will see how long I continue this Match.com crap. I am a huge skeptic when it comes to things.. Oils, wraps, men. I tend to put my best can't mess with me face on, but eventually, I will just give up and decide that I am a better entertainer of the masses vs a 8.5 cow wife. No worries, def wasn't butt hurt over this encounter. Sure it won't be the last fella a run/scare off. Not sure if it's the doll heads or use of the words, YO, GHETTO, WORD and PEEPS ;)
Dating.. THE HORROR, THE HORROR
So in an effort to better understand the “dating” scene I
have decided to jot down a few of my disastrous dating details in hopes to
understand why I seem to be the girl that gets set up with the “really awesome
guy”, the “we can’t understand why he’s not married buddy”, the “sweet spirit”
and the list goes on and on.
UNO
I would suppose the only way to start off the story is to
begin with my first blind date. We will call him Uno... being that he was the 1st. This fella was suggested to me through a
friend of a friend. From what I heard he was a great guy, never married and
super funny, said with thumbs and an uneasy smirk.
At the time in my life I was living at my Dads, just
recently divorced and working towards getting out on my own and figuring life
out. Uno called and asked me out and said that he would pick me up at 5 and we
would meet up with some friends of his for a BBQ and to watch the fight. I
thought great, I love a good social event and a little blood. The night came
about and I was ready for the first outing. He pulls into the driveway and as I
am peeking through the blinds watching him walk closer I notice... He is quite
the large man. Not as in tall, after all I love a tall man, but as in large
Marge. But he had a nice smile and his cologne was nice so I decided why the
heck not. We got in to his vehicle and after a stop at the Sev for a 40 oz’er
for the BBQ we made our way south to the gathering.
Now as you may or may not know I am quite a social
butterfly. I can usually chew the fat with the peeps, chill with the com padres
and throw a wicked ping pong ball nowhere near the cup with a smile on my face
the whole time. But this gathering was nothing... NOTHING like I have ever experienced
in my life and honestly, hope I never have to again.
We pull into this neighborhood that I would consider the
Ghetto. Full blown, cars in the front yard, a TV in the garage that has cable
wires running from the living room, wife beaters on every man and tube tops and
claws on most the gals there. As I stand there in my jeans, cute t-shirt with a
cardigan and my converse kicks I instantly started singing the Sesame Street
song, “One of these things is not like the other.” Well I smiles, shook hands
and tried to make the best of it. We ventured into what I would call hell and I
am sure they called it the backyard and there was a feast of all feast. I have
never seen so much food in my entire life. Meats of every kind, weird vegetables,
strange side dishes and all served in those tin trays. I picked me out a few of
the things that I knew were actual food and sat down on the splinter ridden
bench and ate very fast, the whole time looking around, trying to maintain a
smile and holding back the tears.
After I was done eating my four bites, I excused myself to
the restroom and called my friend to come and rescue me. I was in tears, trying
to wipe my eyes and cover up the fact that I was so uncomfortable, had no idea
where I was and explaining to her that she is to NEVER set me up with a friend’s
friend again. She called her friend and said I need to know where she is. I am
having a bad day and I need her to come help me with my kids. Luckily, we were
only ten minutes from her and she showed up faster than Batman at a spandex
convention. I thanked Uno for the evening and told all his friends goodbye and
thanks for the hospitality, I got into her car and broke down and cried. Tried
to explain what was wrong and why I hate dating. We agreed... No more blind
dates... Ever.
Two
This Date was probably one of the most mind blowing dates of
my life. This fella was friends with friends and after messaging one of his friends
and asking what his deal-ee-O was I thought, “Well hell, why not. It’s free
dinner.” So I thought.
I and Two had been chatting for a bit and he seemed really
nice, just a year or two older and seemed to have a good job. We decided to
meet up on a Friday afternoon and go get dinner and possible a movie. Depending
on how dinner went. Well I get the call about an hour before we are to meet and
he says his car is in the shop, would I mind coming and picking him up. I said
sure no problem. It didn't seem to bother me at the time. After all, he seemed pretty decent.
This is where the fun begins. I want to warn you, this
entire story is true, not one bit exaggerated or made up. He really was this
strange.
I pulled in to his drive way and got out of my car and the
first words he said was, you’re chubbier than I thought. I replied with so are
you. Then we made our way into his house to meet… his MOMMY. Yes he calls his
mom MOMMY. At 35+ that seems strange to me. I said hello, shook her hand and
gave her my cheesy smile. We then took a tour of his house, which later I found
out was his mommies house and then made off on our way. Why did I continue on
the date after he insulted my weight? I have no idea. But it gets better. So
much better.
We make our way through BC and he is chatting like a little
school girl. What about you ask... Our wedding. He said that he was putting a
reminder in his phone that one year from that date we were going to get
married. That he knew that I was the one, we had a connection, a bond of sorts
that he knew would last forever. I was thinking that I had picked up crazy on
the corner of notachance and getbent, but I played along just to see how far I
could go with it. Why you ask.. Why not.. If I am in for a show might as well
enjoy the popcorn. There is a method to my madness, or so I tell myself.
The discussions continue as we head to Ogden and sit down
for dinner at that Chinese place on Washington across from Big Lots. Well as we
eat and I watch the clock and I am amazed at what a wedding planner he was, it
came time to pay the check and he says, “Oh, You got this right.” I said sure.
I walked up to the register and handed them the money and left. Dropped him off
at his mommies and told him that I couldn’t believe that he was as crazy as he
was and to have a great night. He was kind of upset that I didn’t want to go to
church with him the next day and that I didn't want to come in and watch a
movie with his mom. Hmmm.. NO. The following month I received call after call,
message after message, text, flowers, and what have you. All trying to convince
me that we are destine to be together. He finally got the hint after I
threatened a restraining order.
I have so many more stories it’s not even funny. But I have
been lead to believe this.
1.
The guy that is the “funny” guy with a great
personality or as I like to call him, the sweet spirit, is not for me.
2.
Being
independent isn't all it’s cracked up to be. In order to land a
decent man, I must act frail and wrought with tragedy, in an effort to give him
the “rescuing a damsel” feeling.
3.
If you suggest marriage within the first 5
minutes, you might as well lose my digits.
4.
There is such a thing as small man syndrome.
5.
My chest is not a place for you to stare at or
talk to. Sure, it would be awkward if I talked to your forearms. (I like
forearms).
6.
Just
because I can hang with the guys, doesn't mean I am not a lady. Just
means I have a wall and that wall is up so high, it’s rare that I let anyone,
especially a guy, see past that. If you have, you’re a rare breed.
7.
I love lamp.
I have been told to sign up for those dating sites, put
myself out there, and stop wasting time and all that fun stuff. But honestly, I
don’t think I can do it. If was to join a dating site, I would have to do it
with a purpose. Maybe to write a book or a “HOW NOT TO ONLINE DATE” guide. Without
a purpose, I wouldn't feel like me posting my life story followed up with a
picture for every man to judge and a wishful encounter with Lloyd Dobler would
be nothing but heartache, high hopes and lots of dopes. So who knows. Maybe
since I am turning 36 soon, maybe I’ll get the guts up to do that. But as of
right now... Probably not.
Slip, Slidin Away
Growing up a Katie-did - Chpt. 8
Did you know that 90% of people have an inny belly button, yup, true fact. Something to think about there yo. Now that I got that off my chest.. Growing up Katie has some of the funnest neighbors EV-RRR.. For a short time the Bergeson's that lived in the yellow house, but they moved away after my sister gave her a roll of lifesavers.. Jessica had that way about her.. The Checketts moved in shortly after that and they had two kids, Elisha and Cameron aka Cam and Leasha. These two kids were the perfect match for us. Just damn nuts. We were like 6 peas in a pod.. that fell out of some alien ship.. Well more like dropped out of one, on to our heads as the aliens screamed as it flew away, KEEP EM!
Katie and Leash use to all sort of fun crap together. They would get all the glass bowls out, fill them with water and bubbles and give their Barbie's a hot tub, when they were 16. Seriously.. 16. They watch Days of Our Lives while playing with pop tops and then sticking them to our face.. But Leash remembered to take hers off. Katie.. was not so lucky, she had a big ol' purple hicky in the middle of her 4-head for quite a while and one on her upper lip from sucking on a film tube, not knowing it would leave a Hitler stash, rocked that shit for over a week. They would tape their faces up and pull their eyes, noses, lips in all sorts of directions and wander around. Sliding down the stairs in sleeping bags, on cookie sheets, in laundry baskets. Shit, they had a riot!
Probably one of the most epic things they did was jump on the tramp with the sprinklers on. Cam was the oldest and for some reason we could talk him into pretty much anything. This was one of the most fantastic times.
Leash and Katie liked to walk to Sev (7-11) and get a Big Gulp and a weenie.. Now, come on, really? Get your mind outa the gutter! That story comes later.. BAH! Sorry.. Totally laughed out loud..lol meow. As their minds wandered about what non-sense they could get themselves into this fine Summer day, they came up with the idea of soaping up a certain big brotha and spraying him down and making him a slide. And wouldn't ya know it.. Sev sold Ivory dish soap. They grabbed a bottle and ran home, told Cam about their brilliant idea and he was on board! SUE-WHEAT! Outside they ran, covered his back and belly with soap, sprayed him down like a sexy car wash girl as he rubbed it in. He would get on his hands and knees and make a slide out of himself and one after the other we would slide down his back. WWEEEEEEEE! It was so stinking fun! If we could have marketed the Camslide we would have. Poor bastard.. I do believe that was the year the Checketts lawn died. Wasn't me!
So what's the lesson in this story? Shit, I ain't got one yo. Maybe to not be afraid the be a sexy car wash bitch. Own that shit! MAYBE, someday someone will soap you up and slip and slide down you!
Yip-EE-Ky-Ay Hit it and quit it! Word
Did you know that 90% of people have an inny belly button, yup, true fact. Something to think about there yo. Now that I got that off my chest.. Growing up Katie has some of the funnest neighbors EV-RRR.. For a short time the Bergeson's that lived in the yellow house, but they moved away after my sister gave her a roll of lifesavers.. Jessica had that way about her.. The Checketts moved in shortly after that and they had two kids, Elisha and Cameron aka Cam and Leasha. These two kids were the perfect match for us. Just damn nuts. We were like 6 peas in a pod.. that fell out of some alien ship.. Well more like dropped out of one, on to our heads as the aliens screamed as it flew away, KEEP EM!
Katie and Leash use to all sort of fun crap together. They would get all the glass bowls out, fill them with water and bubbles and give their Barbie's a hot tub, when they were 16. Seriously.. 16. They watch Days of Our Lives while playing with pop tops and then sticking them to our face.. But Leash remembered to take hers off. Katie.. was not so lucky, she had a big ol' purple hicky in the middle of her 4-head for quite a while and one on her upper lip from sucking on a film tube, not knowing it would leave a Hitler stash, rocked that shit for over a week. They would tape their faces up and pull their eyes, noses, lips in all sorts of directions and wander around. Sliding down the stairs in sleeping bags, on cookie sheets, in laundry baskets. Shit, they had a riot!
Probably one of the most epic things they did was jump on the tramp with the sprinklers on. Cam was the oldest and for some reason we could talk him into pretty much anything. This was one of the most fantastic times.
Leash and Katie liked to walk to Sev (7-11) and get a Big Gulp and a weenie.. Now, come on, really? Get your mind outa the gutter! That story comes later.. BAH! Sorry.. Totally laughed out loud..lol meow. As their minds wandered about what non-sense they could get themselves into this fine Summer day, they came up with the idea of soaping up a certain big brotha and spraying him down and making him a slide. And wouldn't ya know it.. Sev sold Ivory dish soap. They grabbed a bottle and ran home, told Cam about their brilliant idea and he was on board! SUE-WHEAT! Outside they ran, covered his back and belly with soap, sprayed him down like a sexy car wash girl as he rubbed it in. He would get on his hands and knees and make a slide out of himself and one after the other we would slide down his back. WWEEEEEEEE! It was so stinking fun! If we could have marketed the Camslide we would have. Poor bastard.. I do believe that was the year the Checketts lawn died. Wasn't me!
So what's the lesson in this story? Shit, I ain't got one yo. Maybe to not be afraid the be a sexy car wash bitch. Own that shit! MAYBE, someday someone will soap you up and slip and slide down you!
Friggin City - Chpt. 7
Today's adventure beings in high school. Diddy was an overly social little butterfly. Never really understood the reason for school, except for the need to congregate in the parking lot before, during and after school. In her many day's of chill'in live a vill'in, she met some wonderful people who still today she values as great friends and today's story involves one of them that goes by the name Bamber.
One of her favorite classes that she had was being the T.A. in Greenhouse with Mr. L. She got to make copies, run errands and basically just sit on the counter and B.S. the entire hour, a dream come true. In the class was one of her cohort’s, Bamber. Diddy and Bamber had a history of being a menace to south central and this was the most colossal event to date.
To begin the story off right, I have to go in depth about one of Mr. L's responsibilities. He was in charge of making copies for the school and had access to all sorts of wonderful things, assignments and things of that nature, but also he made copies of citizenship reward coupons. I can't off the top of my noggin remember what they were exactly called, but basically, when you got good citizenship you received coupons for various places in Friggin City where you could get discounts or free items, such as a FREE BIG GULP at 7-11. Diddy never did receive one of these reward packets. Surprised? Didn't think so.
For some odd reason Bamber had the brilliant idea to make copies, of said coupons and as Diddy watched, she was totally baffled why she would lay them out on a page like that, just kind of here and there, no rhyme or reason behind it. The way Diddy envisioned it in her head and shortly demonstrated, was that if you cut them out just right and laid them on a page, then taped them, you could get more on the page and it would make it easier to cut out and distribute, you know, more bang for your buck. So Diddy proceeded to show her exactly how a real counterfeiter would do it.
Now I won't get into exact numbers, because that is between her and the copy machine, but there was a plethora of coupons. Diddy and Bamber proudly distributed their masterpieces to the students who were so lucky to be involved, but never named and proceeded on their day as though nothing but pure genius had just happened. Well that's where they went wrong. Assuming that no one was the wiser, but Diddy, forgetful at times, left the master copy on the machine. Yup, shit had just hit the fan.
While Diddy was sitting in Physics class, I believe with Mr. C, the devil with no hair.. We will call him Mr. M.. Proceeded in to the classroom and Diddy knew the jig was up, busted with a capital B. As Mr. M took Diddy to a secluded classroom where her mother, Dirty D, was seated, oh yes, the wire hanger had been found in the closet and she was toast. Mr. M went over the copies they found, asked who, what, when, where, why and how many. Diddy just sank deeper and deeper into pure embarrassment and hell, like when you put Gak in your hand and it oozes through your fingers.
Dirty D was mortified, she couldn't believe that her daughter would do something that awful. She explained how illegal it was and that she was very disappointed in Diddy. If you are anything like a normal child, having your parents tell you they are disappointed in you, is worse that a beating with a salted, lemon soaked willow branch.. I put some thought in to that one, oh yes I did.. Sounds painful, huh.. Dirty D mentioned that Diddy should have to pay for every single coupon at face value. Do you realize the amount that would be?! Let me explain, if you take Z (amount of coupons) x .89 (cost) that equals ..Didn't know I knew math, did ya? .. A BUTT LOAD OF FLO, YO! Diddy was angry that her mother would suggest such a horrific idea and she told her mother that too.
After all was said and done, Diddy and Bamber were sent to the gallows and forced to do 30 hours of janitorial work. They scrubbed desks, toilets, bathroom stalls, lockers, you name it they scrubbed it. They were informed that if they didn't complete their sentence, they wouldn't graduate. So after school they put on their black and white stripped jumpsuits and carried out their punishment.
You will be glad to know that they did graduate..barely.
So the moral of the story here.. Never leave the master copy on the copy machine. What, you thought I would say, "Don't be like the Fratelli's and make Data think he found fifty dowah bihwls!" Nope, just be smart, don't get caught.
Friggin City - Chpt. 6
It was just another ordinary Friday in Figgin City. Diddy's kids were off playing farmer with their dad and she had nothing to do. As a single mom Diddy has a few jobs. What kind of jobs you ask. Well she sells things. What kind of things? Why are you asking so many questions? Diddy likes to sell anything and everything. Except that one thing. Thought about it once. But the corner of 25th and Wall scares her.
It's Friday night, with nothing to do.. again and so she was off to go clean her fasha's office. Which is also one of her jobs. Shortly after she was cleaning she got a text from her friend. She said she had been studying all day and needed a break and asked where Diddy was. She replied that she was in Friggin City and would stop by after she was done.
A few hours past and Diddy was finally done. She got changed out of her grubbbies and headed down the road. Diddy's tummy was a rumblin so she decided that Taco Hell sounded delightful this fine summer evening. She called over to the Ladybug's house and asked the Mrs. if she wanted some dinner. She said no, but the Dr. and his nurse were over and the Dr. wanted a steak grilled taco with NO SOUR CREAM.. Remember that last part .. NO.. SOUR... CREAM...
Diddy said, Coo.. See ya in a flash. She pull up to the drive through at Taco Hell / Krap Fried Critters. Now Friggin City only has a few choice places to eat. you have Taco Hell ( tonight's choice), The Golden Arches of Fun ( Diddy worked there back in the day and it was really fun, seriously), Betyo's (bet you can't guess the meat), Pee Schitty ( one of Diddy's faves) and those are the ones with the wonderfully convenient drive thru. She pull up and they gives her schpeel and she says no, I don't want the macho nacho and crispy critter box, but thanks. She continues to order a steak kay-sah-dill-ah, steak grilled taco with NO SOUR CREAM, a nacho supreme and two burrito, cause she new that Mrs. Ladybug would eat if she got it.
She got though the drive thru, 10 minutes later and after sitting patiently, he hands her a sack and says have a nice day. Diddy thanked the 16 year old twerp and pull away. Diddy thought, ***Hmmm, this sack feels mighty light. BTW, Do you see those stars, those are the bubbles up to the thought cloud.. she gets those allot. Gets what? Wicked good thoughts, Sheesh, catch up Jr.
SO, she looked inside and what could possibly be the problem? Taco Hell forgot half the order. Diddy pulled in the parking stall and went inside to see where her other sack was. As she walked in she was horrified with what she saw. The place was crawling with snot nosed, 16 year old, pimple popping know it alls, that needed to be taken out back and severely beaten. But that is besides the point. That too will come in time.
She carefully ventured in, notified them that she needed the rest of her order and of course, they had no idea what she was talking about. She said, "For the love of Pete and Mary, I just pulled out of your drive thru, 20 seconds ago. I need my steak taco and the burritos." The long haired pimple fart went and told the BEAST that the order was missing and to make it again.
The Beast? Yes, the Beast.. Let me explain. Sit back and imagine a hormonal, 98 pound, bleached blonde, always right never wrong, wanna be punk but is stuck in shithead mode, spoiled, little 16 year old girl. Oh wait, what's that you say? What was Diddy like at 16. Diddy was, uh.. super dope yo! She was a social butterfly and loved to make people laugh. sometimes pushed the envelope with people just enough to stand out, but not enough to get caught more than ONCE. She wasn't mean, unless it was called for and I can tell you this.. She never screwed up your order on purpose when she worked at The Golden Arches of Fun. and THAT place is a story all on it's own, but that will come in time as well.
So, the pimple fart went to tell the beast that she needed to remake the tacos. The Beast proceeded to recreate the wonder we call a taco and as she placed them up under the.. WHA?! Double take! No warmer..Nope.. you would think they would have one cause it takes so freaking long to get your food, something needs to keep it slightly warm, but as she places the tacos on the lunch room tray, she smashes them. Not once, but twice. Two good slaps. Diddy decided that she would check the tacos cause the Dr. said NO SOUR CREAM and Diddy is all about getting it done right, the 1st time. Well, guess what. It had sour cream and ground mystery meat, not the steak she had requested. Really?! REALLY!? Is it THAT hard. I think not. So, she pointed out there mistake and asked so very politely, can you remake this it has sour cream on it and it was suppose to be steak. The pimple fart went back and said, hey, that was NOT suppose to have sour cream, I told you that a few times and you still put it on there. The Beast threw a little tizzy fit and as she went to make a new one she threw the food on the tort-till-ah. Not kidding She literally threw the ingredients, like you would throw a water balloon onto the floor. Diddy watched as she tossed the lettuce, hucked the tomatoes and alli-ooped meat shaped pieces onto the tor-till-ah. then she rolled it and slightly grilled it. Diddy was obviously very irritated at this point.
Diddy then asked to talk to the manager and informed the kid of the sich-y-ay-shun. Kid? Yeah, couldn't have been more than 18. Diddy told him that she just paid $20 for that crap that had been left out, made wrong and smashed and now thrown. If she comes back in and that little twerp is working, she will make sure that the Beast knows what's what.
Diddy FINALLY got to the Ladybug's house and walked in and gave them the schpeel. Now here is where it get fun. The Nachos had cheese on 3 chips, a piece of meat that looked like cat poop that you find in a sandbox and a glob of sour cream right in the middle. So basically 80% of the chips had nothing on them. Strike 1. She handed out the tacos to their designated owners and the Dr. took a bit and YEP! Sour cream on all the tacos.. BTW, found one of the missing tacos in the bottom of the bag. so there were 3 wrong tacos. one that should have been steak no sour cream. It was horse meat WITH sour cream. Then once with steak and sour cream and Gwawk-a-mole-ee. Strike 2. Strike 3... just the fact that Diddy had to call. 5 times until the call would go through. The line was crazy busy because more people were in there with problems than a Saturday free sample day at Cast-CO.
She called and informed them that she wanted her money back and that he needs to really have a serious comin to Jesus meetin with the Beast. You do remember what that is right.. Where you and me have a serious chat and if all doesn't go my way, you MIGHT be seeing Jesus tonight. The manager, who was really nice, said maybe she needs to find a new job. Diddy smiled and said She agreed. Winning. WON! Done son!
So that is her story about Taco Hell. And for all she cares Taco Hell.. can go to.. H. E. DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS. Unfortunately, I'm sure, she will be eating there again. She loves her some Kay-sah-dill-ahs.
It's Friday night, with nothing to do.. again and so she was off to go clean her fasha's office. Which is also one of her jobs. Shortly after she was cleaning she got a text from her friend. She said she had been studying all day and needed a break and asked where Diddy was. She replied that she was in Friggin City and would stop by after she was done.
A few hours past and Diddy was finally done. She got changed out of her grubbbies and headed down the road. Diddy's tummy was a rumblin so she decided that Taco Hell sounded delightful this fine summer evening. She called over to the Ladybug's house and asked the Mrs. if she wanted some dinner. She said no, but the Dr. and his nurse were over and the Dr. wanted a steak grilled taco with NO SOUR CREAM.. Remember that last part .. NO.. SOUR... CREAM...
Diddy said, Coo.. See ya in a flash. She pull up to the drive through at Taco Hell / Krap Fried Critters. Now Friggin City only has a few choice places to eat. you have Taco Hell ( tonight's choice), The Golden Arches of Fun ( Diddy worked there back in the day and it was really fun, seriously), Betyo's (bet you can't guess the meat), Pee Schitty ( one of Diddy's faves) and those are the ones with the wonderfully convenient drive thru. She pull up and they gives her schpeel and she says no, I don't want the macho nacho and crispy critter box, but thanks. She continues to order a steak kay-sah-dill-ah, steak grilled taco with NO SOUR CREAM, a nacho supreme and two burrito, cause she new that Mrs. Ladybug would eat if she got it.
She got though the drive thru, 10 minutes later and after sitting patiently, he hands her a sack and says have a nice day. Diddy thanked the 16 year old twerp and pull away. Diddy thought, ***Hmmm, this sack feels mighty light. BTW, Do you see those stars, those are the bubbles up to the thought cloud.. she gets those allot. Gets what? Wicked good thoughts, Sheesh, catch up Jr.
SO, she looked inside and what could possibly be the problem? Taco Hell forgot half the order. Diddy pulled in the parking stall and went inside to see where her other sack was. As she walked in she was horrified with what she saw. The place was crawling with snot nosed, 16 year old, pimple popping know it alls, that needed to be taken out back and severely beaten. But that is besides the point. That too will come in time.
She carefully ventured in, notified them that she needed the rest of her order and of course, they had no idea what she was talking about. She said, "For the love of Pete and Mary, I just pulled out of your drive thru, 20 seconds ago. I need my steak taco and the burritos." The long haired pimple fart went and told the BEAST that the order was missing and to make it again.
The Beast? Yes, the Beast.. Let me explain. Sit back and imagine a hormonal, 98 pound, bleached blonde, always right never wrong, wanna be punk but is stuck in shithead mode, spoiled, little 16 year old girl. Oh wait, what's that you say? What was Diddy like at 16. Diddy was, uh.. super dope yo! She was a social butterfly and loved to make people laugh. sometimes pushed the envelope with people just enough to stand out, but not enough to get caught more than ONCE. She wasn't mean, unless it was called for and I can tell you this.. She never screwed up your order on purpose when she worked at The Golden Arches of Fun. and THAT place is a story all on it's own, but that will come in time as well.
So, the pimple fart went to tell the beast that she needed to remake the tacos. The Beast proceeded to recreate the wonder we call a taco and as she placed them up under the.. WHA?! Double take! No warmer..Nope.. you would think they would have one cause it takes so freaking long to get your food, something needs to keep it slightly warm, but as she places the tacos on the lunch room tray, she smashes them. Not once, but twice. Two good slaps. Diddy decided that she would check the tacos cause the Dr. said NO SOUR CREAM and Diddy is all about getting it done right, the 1st time. Well, guess what. It had sour cream and ground mystery meat, not the steak she had requested. Really?! REALLY!? Is it THAT hard. I think not. So, she pointed out there mistake and asked so very politely, can you remake this it has sour cream on it and it was suppose to be steak. The pimple fart went back and said, hey, that was NOT suppose to have sour cream, I told you that a few times and you still put it on there. The Beast threw a little tizzy fit and as she went to make a new one she threw the food on the tort-till-ah. Not kidding She literally threw the ingredients, like you would throw a water balloon onto the floor. Diddy watched as she tossed the lettuce, hucked the tomatoes and alli-ooped meat shaped pieces onto the tor-till-ah. then she rolled it and slightly grilled it. Diddy was obviously very irritated at this point.
Diddy then asked to talk to the manager and informed the kid of the sich-y-ay-shun. Kid? Yeah, couldn't have been more than 18. Diddy told him that she just paid $20 for that crap that had been left out, made wrong and smashed and now thrown. If she comes back in and that little twerp is working, she will make sure that the Beast knows what's what.
Diddy FINALLY got to the Ladybug's house and walked in and gave them the schpeel. Now here is where it get fun. The Nachos had cheese on 3 chips, a piece of meat that looked like cat poop that you find in a sandbox and a glob of sour cream right in the middle. So basically 80% of the chips had nothing on them. Strike 1. She handed out the tacos to their designated owners and the Dr. took a bit and YEP! Sour cream on all the tacos.. BTW, found one of the missing tacos in the bottom of the bag. so there were 3 wrong tacos. one that should have been steak no sour cream. It was horse meat WITH sour cream. Then once with steak and sour cream and Gwawk-a-mole-ee. Strike 2. Strike 3... just the fact that Diddy had to call. 5 times until the call would go through. The line was crazy busy because more people were in there with problems than a Saturday free sample day at Cast-CO.
She called and informed them that she wanted her money back and that he needs to really have a serious comin to Jesus meetin with the Beast. You do remember what that is right.. Where you and me have a serious chat and if all doesn't go my way, you MIGHT be seeing Jesus tonight. The manager, who was really nice, said maybe she needs to find a new job. Diddy smiled and said She agreed. Winning. WON! Done son!
So that is her story about Taco Hell. And for all she cares Taco Hell.. can go to.. H. E. DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS. Unfortunately, I'm sure, she will be eating there again. She loves her some Kay-sah-dill-ahs.
Friggin City - Chpt.5
Diddy like to believe that she was a great driver. In 10th grade she took drivers ed and her teacher was Mr. Drunkstead. He was a little creepy. Almost pervert looking. I think he was drunk most of the time to be honest with you. She would have to drive one of the junky old cars, tune her radio to the proper channel and drive around and try to avoid the cones. It didn't matter if she hit them or not. Mr. Drunkstead always thought it was Diddy's fault. She would be cruisin along, mindin her bidness and all the sudden she would hear, "SPAZEN!" Thanks Diddy's last name. She is kind of a spaz. It fits.
Well she passed her written test with no problems, but it was the driving test she has issues with. I would like to point out that she is left handed and that is her excuse for most her problems. You throw like a two year old! comment back, "Oh yeah, well I'm left handed." You can't dance! replying, "Suck it! I am left handed."
As she was driving around Friggin City, she was suppose to turn here, park there, signal, lane change. You know the drill. Well, when Mr. Drunkstead was in the passenger seat Diddy would get a really attitude. Not sure if it was cause she got a contact drunk from him or if it was because he was a complete douche canoe. Anyhow, It was time for her road test. They pull up to the red light on the corner of Forest and Main and she is signaling to turn right. She stops looks both ways and waits for the green. He tells her you can turn right on a red light. So the next light on 1st south, it's red, she turns right, no stopping. After all that what he told her. FAIL #1.
Next test. She is driving down 3rd west, I believe it is the one with very few stop signs. Well she is all bad ass and cruisin in the gimp mobile and runs a stop sign. FAIL#2
#3 was the kicker, if she didn't pass this, she would be S.W.N.L. which means sixteen with no license and that my friend is how do you say it, SHIT - TAY! So she turns correctly, signals properly, lane change like a pro. The challenge, if she chose to accept it was, DUH NUH NUH! Parallel park in front of Lert's Cafe.
She was so sick and tired of the drunk man, she got angry, pulled up, popped that sucker into reverse and BAM! Stop. What are you thinking right now? Are you thinking holy crap. Diddy nailed a car? You are, aren't you. NOPE! She nailed the parking spot, slipped right in like the knife that Dexter sticks right in your heart while you are wrapped up in saran wrap looking at all the people who have harmed. Well, you get the point.
She passed that test, finally on the 3rd try. She was legal. Her parent gave her the Ford Tarus wagon. It had a cool code on the door to unlock it. 7-6-9-6-9. Maroon and could fit a ton of people. Her friend, Raspusha drove a station wagon as well. It was one of those bitch'n long yellow ones with the wood panels. Wicked awesome. They parked up in the east parking lot. Everyone had their own spots up there. It was a great group of peeps and super duper fun.
Well there was these two boys in particular that Diddy had no liking for. They were always very shitty to her and one day after razzing her all day, she decided that was it. Those bitches are going down. So she throws that ford Taurus wagon into reverse and proceeds to back up to get a better run at these to guys. She didn't look behind her, which is where she get into a bit of a "incident."
As Diddy was backing up she hear this THUD! So, she stopped. Got out and went.. you guessed it, OH SHIT! She hit a girl. Not a car, dog or a leprechaun. It was an actual person, walking. She knew she was in a whole heap of crap. The girl looked at her and Diddy looked back as the strange, disoriented girl wandered through the parking lot. Diddy stood there and assumed that she was fine. As I always say, "Assume make an ASS outta U and ME." Well she wasn't ok, she came back down to the car, holding her head where she got hit and said she has just one question. "Was that on purpose?" Diddy looked at her and with an unusually odd smirk and replied, "Oh honey, if it was on purpose I wouldn't have stopped. I don't even know who you are." The girl then said ok and walked back up.
Needless to say, Diddy never tried to intentionally hit someone with a car again. Although she did, later in life. But he was in the way.
Stay tuned for Chpt. 6
Well she passed her written test with no problems, but it was the driving test she has issues with. I would like to point out that she is left handed and that is her excuse for most her problems. You throw like a two year old! comment back, "Oh yeah, well I'm left handed." You can't dance! replying, "Suck it! I am left handed."
As she was driving around Friggin City, she was suppose to turn here, park there, signal, lane change. You know the drill. Well, when Mr. Drunkstead was in the passenger seat Diddy would get a really attitude. Not sure if it was cause she got a contact drunk from him or if it was because he was a complete douche canoe. Anyhow, It was time for her road test. They pull up to the red light on the corner of Forest and Main and she is signaling to turn right. She stops looks both ways and waits for the green. He tells her you can turn right on a red light. So the next light on 1st south, it's red, she turns right, no stopping. After all that what he told her. FAIL #1.
Next test. She is driving down 3rd west, I believe it is the one with very few stop signs. Well she is all bad ass and cruisin in the gimp mobile and runs a stop sign. FAIL#2
#3 was the kicker, if she didn't pass this, she would be S.W.N.L. which means sixteen with no license and that my friend is how do you say it, SHIT - TAY! So she turns correctly, signals properly, lane change like a pro. The challenge, if she chose to accept it was, DUH NUH NUH! Parallel park in front of Lert's Cafe.
She was so sick and tired of the drunk man, she got angry, pulled up, popped that sucker into reverse and BAM! Stop. What are you thinking right now? Are you thinking holy crap. Diddy nailed a car? You are, aren't you. NOPE! She nailed the parking spot, slipped right in like the knife that Dexter sticks right in your heart while you are wrapped up in saran wrap looking at all the people who have harmed. Well, you get the point.
She passed that test, finally on the 3rd try. She was legal. Her parent gave her the Ford Tarus wagon. It had a cool code on the door to unlock it. 7-6-9-6-9. Maroon and could fit a ton of people. Her friend, Raspusha drove a station wagon as well. It was one of those bitch'n long yellow ones with the wood panels. Wicked awesome. They parked up in the east parking lot. Everyone had their own spots up there. It was a great group of peeps and super duper fun.
Well there was these two boys in particular that Diddy had no liking for. They were always very shitty to her and one day after razzing her all day, she decided that was it. Those bitches are going down. So she throws that ford Taurus wagon into reverse and proceeds to back up to get a better run at these to guys. She didn't look behind her, which is where she get into a bit of a "incident."
As Diddy was backing up she hear this THUD! So, she stopped. Got out and went.. you guessed it, OH SHIT! She hit a girl. Not a car, dog or a leprechaun. It was an actual person, walking. She knew she was in a whole heap of crap. The girl looked at her and Diddy looked back as the strange, disoriented girl wandered through the parking lot. Diddy stood there and assumed that she was fine. As I always say, "Assume make an ASS outta U and ME." Well she wasn't ok, she came back down to the car, holding her head where she got hit and said she has just one question. "Was that on purpose?" Diddy looked at her and with an unusually odd smirk and replied, "Oh honey, if it was on purpose I wouldn't have stopped. I don't even know who you are." The girl then said ok and walked back up.
Needless to say, Diddy never tried to intentionally hit someone with a car again. Although she did, later in life. But he was in the way.
Stay tuned for Chpt. 6
