Diddy like to believe that she was a great driver. In 10th grade she took drivers ed and her teacher was Mr. Drunkstead. He was a little creepy. Almost pervert looking. I think he was drunk most of the time to be honest with you. She would have to drive one of the junky old cars, tune her radio to the proper channel and drive around and try to avoid the cones. It didn't matter if she hit them or not. Mr. Drunkstead always thought it was Diddy's fault. She would be cruisin along, mindin her bidness and all the sudden she would hear, "SPAZEN!" Thanks Diddy's last name. She is kind of a spaz. It fits.
Well she passed her written test with no problems, but it was the driving test she has issues with. I would like to point out that she is left handed and that is her excuse for most her problems. You throw like a two year old! comment back, "Oh yeah, well I'm left handed." You can't dance! replying, "Suck it! I am left handed."
As she was driving around Friggin City, she was suppose to turn here, park there, signal, lane change. You know the drill. Well, when Mr. Drunkstead was in the passenger seat Diddy would get a really attitude. Not sure if it was cause she got a contact drunk from him or if it was because he was a complete douche canoe. Anyhow, It was time for her road test. They pull up to the red light on the corner of Forest and Main and she is signaling to turn right. She stops looks both ways and waits for the green. He tells her you can turn right on a red light. So the next light on 1st south, it's red, she turns right, no stopping. After all that what he told her. FAIL #1.
Next test. She is driving down 3rd west, I believe it is the one with very few stop signs. Well she is all bad ass and cruisin in the gimp mobile and runs a stop sign. FAIL#2
#3 was the kicker, if she didn't pass this, she would be S.W.N.L. which means sixteen with no license and that my friend is how do you say it, SHIT - TAY! So she turns correctly, signals properly, lane change like a pro. The challenge, if she chose to accept it was, DUH NUH NUH! Parallel park in front of Lert's Cafe.
She was so sick and tired of the drunk man, she got angry, pulled up, popped that sucker into reverse and BAM! Stop. What are you thinking right now? Are you thinking holy crap. Diddy nailed a car? You are, aren't you. NOPE! She nailed the parking spot, slipped right in like the knife that Dexter sticks right in your heart while you are wrapped up in saran wrap looking at all the people who have harmed. Well, you get the point.
She passed that test, finally on the 3rd try. She was legal. Her parent gave her the Ford Tarus wagon. It had a cool code on the door to unlock it. 7-6-9-6-9. Maroon and could fit a ton of people. Her friend, Raspusha drove a station wagon as well. It was one of those bitch'n long yellow ones with the wood panels. Wicked awesome. They parked up in the east parking lot. Everyone had their own spots up there. It was a great group of peeps and super duper fun.
Well there was these two boys in particular that Diddy had no liking for. They were always very shitty to her and one day after razzing her all day, she decided that was it. Those bitches are going down. So she throws that ford Taurus wagon into reverse and proceeds to back up to get a better run at these to guys. She didn't look behind her, which is where she get into a bit of a "incident."
As Diddy was backing up she hear this THUD! So, she stopped. Got out and went.. you guessed it, OH SHIT! She hit a girl. Not a car, dog or a leprechaun. It was an actual person, walking. She knew she was in a whole heap of crap. The girl looked at her and Diddy looked back as the strange, disoriented girl wandered through the parking lot. Diddy stood there and assumed that she was fine. As I always say, "Assume make an ASS outta U and ME." Well she wasn't ok, she came back down to the car, holding her head where she got hit and said she has just one question. "Was that on purpose?" Diddy looked at her and with an unusually odd smirk and replied, "Oh honey, if it was on purpose I wouldn't have stopped. I don't even know who you are." The girl then said ok and walked back up.
Needless to say, Diddy never tried to intentionally hit someone with a car again. Although she did, later in life. But he was in the way.
Stay tuned for Chpt. 6
Friggin City - Chpt. 4
A journey is defined as: a mission that could take a long ass time. If your checking the Urban Dictionary that is. Today's 'journey" takes place .. OK, it's not a journey. I just really liked the definition.
Today's troubles started when Diddy was in 7th grade. She had become more aware of the way she looked. Making sure her hair is just so, make up and her new hobby, plucking those Caterpillar eyebrows. Diddy use to love to watch her sister get ready in the morning. Messica was one of the "cool kids" at school. She always had perfect hair, clothes that were stylin and the cutest boys around her.So Diddy started paying attention to how she was doing it and followed closely behind. She worshiped that girl. Think she still does. AWE, tender monent, wipe the tear, *sniff*sniff*..
Diddy was in the kitchen cleaning up and doing the dishes. Her mother, Dirty D, had made scones the night before so there was a pot of grease on the stove top. Diddy turned that on to melt it so she could pour it back into the original container and throw it away. It never occurred to Diddy to just scoop the solid grease out and throw that way.
She was more of , how do I out this, Mad Scientist that new nothing. I suppose. She and her brother's use to take all the spices out of the cupboard, the soy sauce, mustard, pickle juice and basically whatever they could get their hands on, mix it all together to see what disgusting concoction they could come up with. Now that Diddy is older, she realizes the cost that goes behind spices and such and once again, would like to send out a sincere apology to her mother for the amount of money she wasted.
Back to the story. Diddy turned the stove on and proceeded to melt the grease. She didn't think to look to see what temperature it was set at and later found out why you don't melt grease on high, but that was just the 1st mistake. She finished cleaning and went into her mom's bathroom, climbed up on the the counter and started plucking her eyebrows. That was her 2nd mistake. After about 5-10 minutes Diddy started to smell something strange. Then all of the sudden she hears this horrific PLOP! She looked away from the mirror and almost in slow motion like on The Christmas Story she though SSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIITTT! Not fudge, she didn't say fudge. but she does like walnut fudge that her Auntie makes. BTW
She jumped off the counter and ran to the kitchen. The grease was a blazing! She paniced and started screaming for her Mom. All the while thinking, Holy shit, my ass is grass.. I am DONE SON! Out like the red headed step child. Aborted at age 13. Her Mom came hauling butt up the stair and freaked. Now, if you knew Diddy's mother she is very sweet, very proper. But when Diddy's Mom got mad, HELL HATH NO FURY like Dirty D. But we totally deserved some of the wrath we got. I mean really, she burned down the NEWLY remodeled kitchen.
Dirty D grabbed a lid and put the fire out. Diddy stared in awe at the charred wood work above the stove, the melted light covers and knew that I was out of luck on this one. No superman could save Loise Lane from this pickle. Oddly enough Dirty D said only a few words to Diddy. And they are as follows:
"YOU RUINED MY PAN!"
She though, are you serious?! I just lit your kitchen on fire and you are mad about the pan? Wow, Diddy was expecting to be sent out to live in the dog house or something worse. Having to pack my things and go live at the neighbor's house. *Shivers* Now that would have been a hell that no child would have ever wished on anyone else.
But, all ended better than Diddy had thought, I don't know how long she was grounded for, but I know it was a coon's age. Which according the the Urban Dictionary is roughly 8 1/2 years.
So that's the story of Grease Lighting.
Today's troubles started when Diddy was in 7th grade. She had become more aware of the way she looked. Making sure her hair is just so, make up and her new hobby, plucking those Caterpillar eyebrows. Diddy use to love to watch her sister get ready in the morning. Messica was one of the "cool kids" at school. She always had perfect hair, clothes that were stylin and the cutest boys around her.So Diddy started paying attention to how she was doing it and followed closely behind. She worshiped that girl. Think she still does. AWE, tender monent, wipe the tear, *sniff*sniff*..
Diddy was in the kitchen cleaning up and doing the dishes. Her mother, Dirty D, had made scones the night before so there was a pot of grease on the stove top. Diddy turned that on to melt it so she could pour it back into the original container and throw it away. It never occurred to Diddy to just scoop the solid grease out and throw that way.
She was more of , how do I out this, Mad Scientist that new nothing. I suppose. She and her brother's use to take all the spices out of the cupboard, the soy sauce, mustard, pickle juice and basically whatever they could get their hands on, mix it all together to see what disgusting concoction they could come up with. Now that Diddy is older, she realizes the cost that goes behind spices and such and once again, would like to send out a sincere apology to her mother for the amount of money she wasted.
Back to the story. Diddy turned the stove on and proceeded to melt the grease. She didn't think to look to see what temperature it was set at and later found out why you don't melt grease on high, but that was just the 1st mistake. She finished cleaning and went into her mom's bathroom, climbed up on the the counter and started plucking her eyebrows. That was her 2nd mistake. After about 5-10 minutes Diddy started to smell something strange. Then all of the sudden she hears this horrific PLOP! She looked away from the mirror and almost in slow motion like on The Christmas Story she though SSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIITTT! Not fudge, she didn't say fudge. but she does like walnut fudge that her Auntie makes. BTW
She jumped off the counter and ran to the kitchen. The grease was a blazing! She paniced and started screaming for her Mom. All the while thinking, Holy shit, my ass is grass.. I am DONE SON! Out like the red headed step child. Aborted at age 13. Her Mom came hauling butt up the stair and freaked. Now, if you knew Diddy's mother she is very sweet, very proper. But when Diddy's Mom got mad, HELL HATH NO FURY like Dirty D. But we totally deserved some of the wrath we got. I mean really, she burned down the NEWLY remodeled kitchen.
Dirty D grabbed a lid and put the fire out. Diddy stared in awe at the charred wood work above the stove, the melted light covers and knew that I was out of luck on this one. No superman could save Loise Lane from this pickle. Oddly enough Dirty D said only a few words to Diddy. And they are as follows:
"YOU RUINED MY PAN!"
She though, are you serious?! I just lit your kitchen on fire and you are mad about the pan? Wow, Diddy was expecting to be sent out to live in the dog house or something worse. Having to pack my things and go live at the neighbor's house. *Shivers* Now that would have been a hell that no child would have ever wished on anyone else.
But, all ended better than Diddy had thought, I don't know how long she was grounded for, but I know it was a coon's age. Which according the the Urban Dictionary is roughly 8 1/2 years.
So that's the story of Grease Lighting.
Stay Tuned for Chpt. 5
Friggin City - Chpt. 3
Today, We start off Diddy's adventures in 6th grade. Diddy had the weirdest teacher ever, not sure if it was because it was his 1st year teaching or if it was just because he was a complete doofus. But, all around, he was odd. He use to stick his pencil in his ear, then to his nose and then to his mouth. HONEST! Ask Diddy's brother, Grodey.
She loved to chase the boys at school, throw wet toilet paper at the ceiling, serve school lunch, Chinese jump rope, play on the tire swing, slam a little tether ball, run down the boys laboratory. Now, that last one was a big no no. Us Wincoln Wions were quite the boundary testers.
In 6th grade you change and become more aware of the boys around you. Diddy had the crushes on most the boys in school, but decided she would go steady with a kid we will call Len.
Len and Diddy would walk home from school every day. They would talk and throw rocks, just stupid kid stuff. They never held hand or anything, I mean really she was too young. She was raised in a box, as you will find out down the road.
Towards the end of the school year, they held the maturation program. Diddy was very nervous. Neither her Mom or Dad could attend, so she went by herself. And let me tell you, just like the time she watched The FLY at her Aunties and found out where babies really come out of, her eyes went extra-ordinarily big and she was in complete shock. Panic seemed to set in as she slouched down in her chair. She looked around the room and made sure no one was watching her, she hated getting embarrassed. Diddy wasn't ready for this odd change. Bigger boobies, pimples, body odor, body hair and shaving... and the worst of all.. Mother Nature, REDRUM, riding the cotton pony, TOM (time of month) or AUNT FLO.
Why in the world, for the love of Pete and Mary, would anyone think that having a period was a good thing. She is a woman now, she can have babies, all the while Diddy was thinking..WHO CARES, I am only 11.
Shortly, after that horrific and uncomfortable ordeal, Diddy was walking home with Len. They had only made it to the corner and the 1st words out of his mouth were as follow, "I have a penis and you have a vagina!" Diddy was so embarrassed. How could he possibly know that is what it was called or that she had one. She had no idea until today that their parts weren't called private parts or their potty. She ran home crying from humiliation. She never talked to Len again. Honestly, never. Until about two weeks ago when she saw him in Wally World. She, however, did tell someone the story of this dreadful day and they told Len a few months ago and I think he understand that Diddy, didn't hate him. She just meant what she said, She was never going to speak to him again. But, time goes on, and friends in grade school don't end being your friends in Jr. High and High School. That is probably more the reason.
A few months later she started her monthly visits from Aunt Flo. They were worse than she could have ever imagined. Cramping, achy, chills, throwing up, headache, bitchiness, maxi pads, leakage.. you name it, Diddy had experienced it. If you were to ask Diddy today, she would say that she was cursed by The Devil in a Red Dress.
She loved to chase the boys at school, throw wet toilet paper at the ceiling, serve school lunch, Chinese jump rope, play on the tire swing, slam a little tether ball, run down the boys laboratory. Now, that last one was a big no no. Us Wincoln Wions were quite the boundary testers.
In 6th grade you change and become more aware of the boys around you. Diddy had the crushes on most the boys in school, but decided she would go steady with a kid we will call Len.
Len and Diddy would walk home from school every day. They would talk and throw rocks, just stupid kid stuff. They never held hand or anything, I mean really she was too young. She was raised in a box, as you will find out down the road.
Towards the end of the school year, they held the maturation program. Diddy was very nervous. Neither her Mom or Dad could attend, so she went by herself. And let me tell you, just like the time she watched The FLY at her Aunties and found out where babies really come out of, her eyes went extra-ordinarily big and she was in complete shock. Panic seemed to set in as she slouched down in her chair. She looked around the room and made sure no one was watching her, she hated getting embarrassed. Diddy wasn't ready for this odd change. Bigger boobies, pimples, body odor, body hair and shaving... and the worst of all.. Mother Nature, REDRUM, riding the cotton pony, TOM (time of month) or AUNT FLO.
Why in the world, for the love of Pete and Mary, would anyone think that having a period was a good thing. She is a woman now, she can have babies, all the while Diddy was thinking..WHO CARES, I am only 11.
Shortly, after that horrific and uncomfortable ordeal, Diddy was walking home with Len. They had only made it to the corner and the 1st words out of his mouth were as follow, "I have a penis and you have a vagina!" Diddy was so embarrassed. How could he possibly know that is what it was called or that she had one. She had no idea until today that their parts weren't called private parts or their potty. She ran home crying from humiliation. She never talked to Len again. Honestly, never. Until about two weeks ago when she saw him in Wally World. She, however, did tell someone the story of this dreadful day and they told Len a few months ago and I think he understand that Diddy, didn't hate him. She just meant what she said, She was never going to speak to him again. But, time goes on, and friends in grade school don't end being your friends in Jr. High and High School. That is probably more the reason.
A few months later she started her monthly visits from Aunt Flo. They were worse than she could have ever imagined. Cramping, achy, chills, throwing up, headache, bitchiness, maxi pads, leakage.. you name it, Diddy had experienced it. If you were to ask Diddy today, she would say that she was cursed by The Devil in a Red Dress.
