So in an effort to better understand the “dating” scene I
have decided to jot down a few of my disastrous dating details in hopes to
understand why I seem to be the girl that gets set up with the “really awesome
guy”, the “we can’t understand why he’s not married buddy”, the “sweet spirit”
and the list goes on and on.
UNO
I would suppose the only way to start off the story is to
begin with my first blind date. We will call him Uno... being that he was the 1st. This fella was suggested to me through a
friend of a friend. From what I heard he was a great guy, never married and
super funny, said with thumbs and an uneasy smirk.
At the time in my life I was living at my Dads, just
recently divorced and working towards getting out on my own and figuring life
out. Uno called and asked me out and said that he would pick me up at 5 and we
would meet up with some friends of his for a BBQ and to watch the fight. I
thought great, I love a good social event and a little blood. The night came
about and I was ready for the first outing. He pulls into the driveway and as I
am peeking through the blinds watching him walk closer I notice... He is quite
the large man. Not as in tall, after all I love a tall man, but as in large
Marge. But he had a nice smile and his cologne was nice so I decided why the
heck not. We got in to his vehicle and after a stop at the Sev for a 40 oz’er
for the BBQ we made our way south to the gathering.
Now as you may or may not know I am quite a social
butterfly. I can usually chew the fat with the peeps, chill with the com padres
and throw a wicked ping pong ball nowhere near the cup with a smile on my face
the whole time. But this gathering was nothing... NOTHING like I have ever experienced
in my life and honestly, hope I never have to again.
We pull into this neighborhood that I would consider the
Ghetto. Full blown, cars in the front yard, a TV in the garage that has cable
wires running from the living room, wife beaters on every man and tube tops and
claws on most the gals there. As I stand there in my jeans, cute t-shirt with a
cardigan and my converse kicks I instantly started singing the Sesame Street
song, “One of these things is not like the other.” Well I smiles, shook hands
and tried to make the best of it. We ventured into what I would call hell and I
am sure they called it the backyard and there was a feast of all feast. I have
never seen so much food in my entire life. Meats of every kind, weird vegetables,
strange side dishes and all served in those tin trays. I picked me out a few of
the things that I knew were actual food and sat down on the splinter ridden
bench and ate very fast, the whole time looking around, trying to maintain a
smile and holding back the tears.
After I was done eating my four bites, I excused myself to
the restroom and called my friend to come and rescue me. I was in tears, trying
to wipe my eyes and cover up the fact that I was so uncomfortable, had no idea
where I was and explaining to her that she is to NEVER set me up with a friend’s
friend again. She called her friend and said I need to know where she is. I am
having a bad day and I need her to come help me with my kids. Luckily, we were
only ten minutes from her and she showed up faster than Batman at a spandex
convention. I thanked Uno for the evening and told all his friends goodbye and
thanks for the hospitality, I got into her car and broke down and cried. Tried
to explain what was wrong and why I hate dating. We agreed... No more blind
dates... Ever.
Two
This Date was probably one of the most mind blowing dates of
my life. This fella was friends with friends and after messaging one of his friends
and asking what his deal-ee-O was I thought, “Well hell, why not. It’s free
dinner.” So I thought.
I and Two had been chatting for a bit and he seemed really
nice, just a year or two older and seemed to have a good job. We decided to
meet up on a Friday afternoon and go get dinner and possible a movie. Depending
on how dinner went. Well I get the call about an hour before we are to meet and
he says his car is in the shop, would I mind coming and picking him up. I said
sure no problem. It didn't seem to bother me at the time. After all, he seemed pretty decent.
This is where the fun begins. I want to warn you, this
entire story is true, not one bit exaggerated or made up. He really was this
strange.
I pulled in to his drive way and got out of my car and the
first words he said was, you’re chubbier than I thought. I replied with so are
you. Then we made our way into his house to meet… his MOMMY. Yes he calls his
mom MOMMY. At 35+ that seems strange to me. I said hello, shook her hand and
gave her my cheesy smile. We then took a tour of his house, which later I found
out was his mommies house and then made off on our way. Why did I continue on
the date after he insulted my weight? I have no idea. But it gets better. So
much better.
We make our way through BC and he is chatting like a little
school girl. What about you ask... Our wedding. He said that he was putting a
reminder in his phone that one year from that date we were going to get
married. That he knew that I was the one, we had a connection, a bond of sorts
that he knew would last forever. I was thinking that I had picked up crazy on
the corner of notachance and getbent, but I played along just to see how far I
could go with it. Why you ask.. Why not.. If I am in for a show might as well
enjoy the popcorn. There is a method to my madness, or so I tell myself.
The discussions continue as we head to Ogden and sit down
for dinner at that Chinese place on Washington across from Big Lots. Well as we
eat and I watch the clock and I am amazed at what a wedding planner he was, it
came time to pay the check and he says, “Oh, You got this right.” I said sure.
I walked up to the register and handed them the money and left. Dropped him off
at his mommies and told him that I couldn’t believe that he was as crazy as he
was and to have a great night. He was kind of upset that I didn’t want to go to
church with him the next day and that I didn't want to come in and watch a
movie with his mom. Hmmm.. NO. The following month I received call after call,
message after message, text, flowers, and what have you. All trying to convince
me that we are destine to be together. He finally got the hint after I
threatened a restraining order.
I have so many more stories it’s not even funny. But I have
been lead to believe this.
1.
The guy that is the “funny” guy with a great
personality or as I like to call him, the sweet spirit, is not for me.
2.
Being
independent isn't all it’s cracked up to be. In order to land a
decent man, I must act frail and wrought with tragedy, in an effort to give him
the “rescuing a damsel” feeling.
3.
If you suggest marriage within the first 5
minutes, you might as well lose my digits.
4.
There is such a thing as small man syndrome.
5.
My chest is not a place for you to stare at or
talk to. Sure, it would be awkward if I talked to your forearms. (I like
forearms).
6.
Just
because I can hang with the guys, doesn't mean I am not a lady. Just
means I have a wall and that wall is up so high, it’s rare that I let anyone,
especially a guy, see past that. If you have, you’re a rare breed.
7.
I love lamp.
I have been told to sign up for those dating sites, put
myself out there, and stop wasting time and all that fun stuff. But honestly, I
don’t think I can do it. If was to join a dating site, I would have to do it
with a purpose. Maybe to write a book or a “HOW NOT TO ONLINE DATE” guide. Without
a purpose, I wouldn't feel like me posting my life story followed up with a
picture for every man to judge and a wishful encounter with Lloyd Dobler would
be nothing but heartache, high hopes and lots of dopes. So who knows. Maybe
since I am turning 36 soon, maybe I’ll get the guts up to do that. But as of
right now... Probably not.
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